This guest blog is written by Claudia Six, PhD, a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist practicing in San Rafael, California.
When the urgency to create a baby supersedes the pleasure to be had by making love, it can have a negative impact, and decrease your interest in having sex in the first place.
Sex on command is a common complaint among men in my clinical sexology (sex therapy) practice. They don’t feel desired, only wanted for the sperm they can provide. Sex is no longer fun, it’s for procreation only. Couples forget to enchant and seduce each other. All spontaneity in lovemaking is lost. It has to be on a schedule. Women can get very focused on their ovulation patterns and can feel emotional about the need to conceive. This is all very hard on couples and can lead to desire issues. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Here’s something to remember about desire: it doesn’t always start in your crotch. Desire is not the same as arousal. Desire is the willingness to get started, to engage your partner sexually. And you can come to it from three places.
You can come to it from your throbbing loins, that horny feeling. Guys have testosterone and tend to have more of that throbbing loins feeling. It’s not good or bad. It’s just different than most women.
You can come to sex from a little higher up, from your heart, because you love the person and you want to experience pleasure with them, make them feel good, taste them, smell then, wrap your legs around them.
Or you can come to it from your head, because it’s a good idea to get it on. You’ll feel more connected. It supports your relationship.
It doesn’t matter where you start. Your crotch will catch up. Nor does it matter if one of you starts 50% from their heart and 50% from their head, and the other is 100% in their crotch. What matters is that you move towards your mate. The heavy breathing, lubricating, contorting and squirming with pleasure – that’s arousal. That’s after you get started.
And babies can happen when you least expect them. So remember the pleasure. Kids need parents who love and desire each other.